February 16, 2013
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A Brief Moment of Stupidity
On Ash Wednesday, my wife and I found out that a good friend of ours was arrested on charges of sexual battery. He allegedly had an inappropriate relationship with a 15 year-old girl. To make matters worse, he was her youth pastor.
This happens far too often… a teenage girl approaches her youth director asking for advice in her current relationship, the youth leader doesn’t take precautions and delves into territory he shouldn’t be in to begin with, the girl confides in her youth pastor and becomes emotionally invested, and because the youth pastor let his guard down, bad things happen that could have been avoided.
This is a very heart-breaking scenario. This is exactly what happened in my friends case. This particular girl came to him seeking advice for her current relationship. He then began helping her with her homework, and that led to private dinners, and that led to gift giving and watching movies at his house. This inevitably (allegedly) ended in an inappropriate relationship. My wife and I are so sad right now, both for the girl and for our friend.
One thing we know is that our friend is not a monster. He is not a predator. What he did (allegedly) is not in his character. Sometimes, even the best of Christians make mistakes that affect the rest of our lives… and sometimes, we even drag others down with us. Tesia was reading many stories in the news regarding our friend. Many of the comments that were being made on these websites were being made in ignorance. It was very sad for her to see these comments, especially because these people do not know him at all. They don’t know his heart. They don’t realize that they are just as capable of sinning and falling a long distance as anyone else. I refuse to read these comments because I’m afraid of what I’ll find… and I pray to God that our friend will never see these comments being made about him.
We really hope he doesn’t lose his faith over this. He was in his last semester of seminary. He was a Conference Resident (which in the UMC, is kind of a big deal). He was very successful in helping to grow his church. He was energetic, passionate, and was very genuine in his faith. He had a very bright future ahead of himself and he let it all go. I don’t know what to expect with him now. Even worse, I’m sure he doesn’t know what to expect from himself now. His career is essentially over, and if found guilty, he would have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life… all because of a brief moment of stupidity that could have been avoided.
It all hit me during our Ash Wednesday service… My wife and I were both pretty emotional over this. It’s really interesting though… When we become broken, we are humbled and we are able to come to God. Our professing, our singing, our prayers all became much more real to us in our moment of brokenness. We became aware of what it was that we were saying and singing, and we meant it with our entire being. We knew that God was with us in that time.
But this isn’t about us. This is about our friend. My prayer is that that he becomes broken from this experience, but I hope he seeks out God. God will mend him and make him strong again. He is way too gifted to throw his entire life and ministry away like this. Perhaps, when this is all said and done and he is ready, he could possibly make a good prison minister. We’ll see. Who knows what God holds for the future.
Please pray for our friend and his family. Also, pray for the girl and her family as well. Many are affected by this, and we need to see that God’s goodness and grace is still here for all to take part in.
Comments (26)
He may not be a monster. But I am not a Christian. I do not believe in merely forgiving someone who makes these kinds of mistakes. He made a whole host of mistakes. If you tutor underage people.. don’t do private affairs besides maybe being in a room with them. I think as a person with nieces in that age range I would not want your friend around them. I think as a friend of his you need to reinforce the ideas of what is proper and not. Help curb his poor behaviour and tendencies without being a complete prick about it.
@SolidStateTheory - I agree, and I definitely agree that if he really did what the cops said he did, he deserves to serve out his punishment. I really don’t believe part of his punishment should be judgement and name calling by people who don’t know him though. That’s just a sad part of our society, I guess.
I will pray for your friend and you and your wife as well. This post hit very close to home as we had a similar situation with a family member. Don’t know the end of the story as to whether there will be jail time and/or sex offender tag but we do know that God has already begun weaving a story that shows His grace and mercy and His redemptive power. May He do the same for your friend and his family
We at Table 54 are sorry for the incident that happened with your friend. We extend our sympathy to you and your wife, your friend and his family and to the young girl and her family. We may be Atheists but we experience no joy when something like this happens to our Christian brothers and sisters. What happened isn’t about religion, it’s about people. It exposes the humanity we all share, unfortunately. We sincerely hope your friend will be able to pick up the pieces of his life, learn something about himself from this and build for the future. It will not be easy.
-Y
But for the grace of God, there go I.
Men, especially community and church leaders, really need to take great care for themselves.
Something like this happened at the christian school my daughter’s went to with the youth pastor. Except it was with 3 boys. He was married with 4 little kids, and had gained trust from several kids at school, and his church. It still is hard for me to understand. The school, his church, and his family were plastered all over the media. But somehow the guy avoided any prison time, go figure. He basically got off with a slap on the wrists, and just attends “counseling.”
I will keep everyone involved in this situation in prayer. I know how horrible it all is!
I am deeply saddened by this news of your friend. I am and will continue to pray for you all and your friend. This is the kind of thing I find most heartbreaking.
I’m a firm believer that we need our fellow Christians in our lives, and I don’t just mean for fellowship. People in ministry are cutoff, because they get this mentality that they can’t be close to others due to their leadership positions. The best leaders I’ve had have also been friends.
The Church needs to surround her leaders with loving family support. I pray that your faith community will not abandon either your friend or the young lady and her family.
I know a lot of people who could have gone into the ministry but some circumstances changed the course of where they ultimately went.
The economic damage to the Catholic Church was enormous and a lot of parishes and churches got shut down to pay for the damages of the Church protecting child molesters who were priests. Just recently I read that Los Angeles Dioses had to take millions out of the cemetery maintence fees to pay for the lawsuits.
There are so many dangers in life that it boggles the mind. Pray that G-d guides us all well.
I am much older and not motivated anymore by physical contact, but I must say, there but by the Grace of God may have that been me at one time. You can’t easily stand by your friend and experience the shame that he must feel and not want to pop him one. That was STUPID! Of course I will pray for him and also for the victim that she may recover. She is not an innocent. I’ll pray for you and for your wife too. Now, you also are without an innocence of trust that was there for you with expectation. I will pray also that this sex culture that we must tolerate around us will be seen for what it is — temptations to leave the Grace of God.
Dear Father please see my anger and forgive me. I forgive the stupidity and the arrogance of those that defile innocence. Please give to them Your forgiveness. I forgive this young man that was wanting at one time to be known as your trusted servant. I pray that you will also forgive this young man. I pray that he will come to accept himself and seek holiness. Please give him the Mercy that he does not deserve. None of us deserve your Mercy Father. Please reign down on us your Spirit. I forgive the young girl Father. Please take her again into your Grace and Mercy. Please strengthen my young friend and his wife and lead them in Spirit, giving them again peace in Your Grace. Please Father give us our needs being met and the awesome fullness of Spirit. Amen
I understand that you want to support a friend. But saying we are all open to the possibility of sin does two things. First, it makes us all sound like potential child molesters. Second, it kind of makes it sound like he stole candy at the grocery store, calling such a horrific act a “mistake” minimizes it and is not respectful to the true victim. There is sin, and then there is sin. Sexually exploiting a teenaged girl, and doing so from a position of trust, that is on a whole new level. It isn’t true to say we all might do that. I don’t have it in me to sexually abuse a child. If the allegations are true, he did, and to make it sound like a mistake, or an understandable lapse that we are all susceptible to, is misleading and disturbing. The allegations aren’t proven, and for the sake of all involved, I hope they aren’t true. But if they are, then I’m sorry I have to disagree with you. He is a monster.
@atticusfin - This stuff happens too often. Thanks for your prayers.
@Table54 - Thank you for your considerate response
@PlatotheSmurf - As a youth leader myself, I understand this. Things could have been done to prevent this from ever happening, but he let his guard down. It’s sad.
@CuddlyKat - Thank you for your prayers. They mean a lot
@Such_are_you - Tesia and I, as well as some of our friends, will be visiting him in jail. He has to know that he is not abandoned. Thanks for your prayers.
@PPhilip - It’s true. I’m reminded of that daily.We really need to protect ourselves, and others, so things like this won’t happen.
@eshunt@revelife - Thank you for your prayer.
@EmilyandAtticus - Please know it wasn’t my intention to say that we are all capable of sexual battery, rape, child molestation, murder, fraud, or whatever else there may be that would consciously harm another individual. What I am saying is we all have the potential to incredibly screw up our lives and do tremendous harm to others, whether it is intentional or not. Unlike you though, I hope these allegations are proven. The reason being is that if they are not, that means this girl was lying. To think that there are people out there who want to drag people down like that is very disturbing to me. People would then always wonder in the back of their mind if he really was capable of doing such a thing. If he is found guilty, at least then we would know.
However, I completely understand why you think the way you do, but I can’t help but think that if you actually knew him, if you were friends with him, you would think differently of him. Regardless, the punishment he gets will be the punishment he deserves. Anyway, thank you again for your understanding and your respect in this situation.
It would help if we knew his age. If he is 19, it is different than if he is 27.
@TheTheologiansCafe - I am going to say that he is old enough to know better, but young enough to be tempted. I am going to keep his age out of here. I’ve already given too much information, and it makes me a bit uncomfortable as it is.
@jmallory - I said I hoped it wasn’t true out of respect for you and the presumption of innocence. I realize it is more shocking to learn something like this when you know the person. It has to be difficult for you. I can sympathize with you, and with her, but not with him. I am sorry you are going through this.
@EmilyandAtticus - Assuming he did this, he doesn’t need sympathy, but like any other human being on the face of this earth, he needs to be loved, not for his mistakes, but despite them. That’s my role as a Christian in this, anyway. I can understand why you would believe otherwise. Thank you for your condolences.
I confess it does bother me that you are disturbed by the possibility she could have made it up, but describe his conduct as having been “tempted.” Tempted to molest a child? Describing this as some immature indiscretion really minimizes what he is accused of doing. I am much more disturbed by the idea that an adult in a position of trust could have molested a child. What about what he did to her life?
@jmallory - I just don’t see child molestation as a mistake. I won’t comment further, but don’t forget she is the victim here.
@EmilyandAtticus - I have not forgotten, nor will I forget. Trust me, my wife and I both know the stupidity of his actions. I am not trying to downplay what he did by any means. It probably just comes off that way simply because he is a friend. As a Christian, I hold that temptation is temptation whether it is large or small. Sorry to get you worked up over this.
@jmallory - I am not worked up, just surprised at how you presented it all.
this is interesting, as a young teacher, I feel for…well everybody really.
It sucks for your friend, he is probably an amazing youth leader, and this one mistake will ruin everything for him, even if he is found innocent, the story will follow him forever and his reputation is ruined. Not many will value the truth, and many will just be upset that he put himself in a position where this was even possible. At the same time, he probably didn’t mean to, he will pay the consequences (and more) for his mistake…and there should be some level of forgiveness and restoration that will probably come too little, too late, depending on the Church and ministries he is involved in – one of the most ironic things I think of ”Christian love.” There is lots of grace, mercy and forgiveness from the church for mistakes you make prior to becoming a Christian, not so much once you are one. A *great* reflection of what Christ has done for us *rolls eyes*
At the same time, it sucks for the girl, and her family. The immense feelings of betrayal…the anger and grief…I can’t even begin to imagine what the parents are feeling – how they may have failed their daughter, etc.
I do know, that whether or not anything happened, your friend is in the wrong for putting himself in a situation where this could arise. I also know, that he has probably more than learned his lesson and would definitely think twice before doing it again. He has probably more than paid the price socially, as I have no doubt he is aware of what is being said about him.
@canadiansrock - Assuming he did what he is accused of doing, he most definitely is the one responsible. My wife and I, as well as some of our friends, wrote him a letter of encouragement, not for what he may have done, but despite what he may have done. We really hope he doesn’t lose his faith over this. He’s already lost so much… but at the same time, we want him to know he hasn’t lost his friends and family.
@jmallory - yeah, that’s important for him to know =) That there are people out there that will not define him by one mistake =) and esp that God does not!
This is so unfortunate. It’s true, though, that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. There is none righteous, no, not one. Hopefully your friend can find a way to get his life back on track, and continue to work for God’s greater glory. Everyone fails, everyone does something stupid every once in a while. Your friend is in my prayers tonight, as are you and your wife.
Being in youth ministry since I was a youth… I can understand the temptation. I can also understand your view of grace towards him and the desire to see him learn, grow and recover from this. I feel as you do. I have to admit I wondered if you presented it as a slap on the wrist a time or two as I read… but i heard your heart and after reading the comments as well I was moved by the grace you show. =]
praying for this man and this young lady.
Jn 8 “Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery. And when they had set her in the midst, 4 they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught]”=”">[b] in adultery, in the very act. 5 Now Moses, in the law, commanded]”=”">[c] us that such should be stoned.]”=”">[d] But what do You say?”]”=”">[e] 6 This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear.]”=”">[f]
7 So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up]”=”">[g] and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” 8 And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. 9 Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience,]”=”">[h] went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. 10 When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her,]”=”">[i] “Woman, where are those accusers of yours?]”=”">[j] Has no one condemned you?”
11 She said, “No one, Lord.”
And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and]”=”">[k] sin no more.”
12 Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.””
Adultery was the hot button sin of Jesus day, in fact, a capital offense, which aligns with serial killing in our current culture. Child molestation is a hot button issue in our day. There are victims and lives at risk for ruination with child molestation…just as was the case of adultery in Jesus’ day.
It challenging for anyone steeped in their own culture to consider another cultural perspective and I think that’s needed to wrestle with the idea of a loving and forgiving God and what that means for sinners and (what the culture considers) criminals, even heinous criminals.
I’m sorry for all involved…how incredibly painful. And reinforces the need for intimate in-your-face community. I’ve come to believe that none of us are alone in our best choices…or our worse.
A good friend of mine was convicted of child molestation 20 years ago, served a 10 year prison term and is still painfully impacted by his decision (his profile is on the web, job search, moving towns…stuff most take for granted are a huge challenge). He knows of his victim and she has continued on with her life, but its impossible to know the negative impact of his actions upon her life…a tragedy.
I do know that God has been gracious to him and he just remarried this year. His story is such an encouraging story of hope. He was in the midst of a divorce at the time of his crime and was not allowed to see his son until reconciliation last year. His son asked to see him. Through his new marriage he now has three step kids. Its a totally amazing story of God’s grace for my friend.
I don’t know the current circumstances for his victim I believe a hopeful life is available to his victim as well through God’s grace. I’ve experienced that as true in the lives of other friends who are victims of child molestation. And THAT is what enables me to forgive the perpetrator and be with and love a criminal, a sinner, a victim, a wounded soul and stand in hope with them for a rich and abundant life…right now.
This is not the end of the story for your friend or the young woman, but merely another day in their lives…albeit an extremely painful one. I don’t believe either of their lives are beyond the grace of God.