My wife and I got married about 10 1/2 months ago. It’s insane to think that we’ve almost been married an entire year. Time really flies.

Before I proposed to my wife, she and I had a year and a half long hiatus from our relationship. In that time, I befriended a girl whom I’ve known since I was a kid, but she was quite a few years older than me, so I never really talked to her. She was a friend of my older brother’s, and I was a friend of her younger brother’s, but we never really talked. Anyway, we’ll call her Abby.

Abby and I reconnected at church. She became friends with some of my housemates (who also went to the same church as me) and through that, I started hanging out with her.

She was really cool. She was an ex-hairstylist, who was trying to get into photography. She drove me two hours to Columbus on an errand I had to run, she cut my hair whenever it needed it, and she was really easy to talk to. I could talk to her about anything, and I did. By that, she found out how much I actually cared about Tesia. She knew this from the bottom of her heart, and whenever she’d see Tesia, she knew how much Tesia cared about me too.

Despite how cool Abby was, she had some real issues with drugs. She’d been in and out of rehab multiple times, but she was determined to get over her habit.

Eventually, Tesia and I got back together. I proposed to her and Abby offered to take our engagement pictures for free. She did, and they were great. She definitely has a talent for it, and that can’t be denied. They were so good, we told her she could take our pictures for our wedding, and we’d even pay her. She accepted the offer, but declined the pay. That sounded good at the time, but I didn’t realize that that would soon work against me.

My wife and I finally got married, and she took our pictures for us. She posted a few on her Myspace, and they were even better than our engagement pictures. She posted a note with them, saying that there were more to come.

We waited a month for our pictures, and we hadn’t heard anything. I decided to call Abby, but she didn’t answer her phone. I called her multiple times for weeks, and still no answer. This got me worried… not for my pictures, but for Abby.

I knew Abby’s habits came and went. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had relapsed and ended up back in rehab. I’ve known both friends and family who’ve went to rehab in the past and they just seem to drop off the face of the earth when they are admitted. I thought that this could have most likely been the case, so I talked to a mutual friend who normally helped Abby with her struggles. I asked her if she’d heard anything from Abby. She said she hadn’t, so I told her that I was worried that she may be back in rehab. I also tried to get a hold of her brother and her boyfriend, letting them know my fears too. I didn’t find anything out though. Her boyfriend just said that he’d talk to her.

Weeks later, I got a text from Abby saying that she thought she had lost our pictures, so she freaked out and stopped talking to us. She assured us that she found the raw copies of our pictures and that she would get them back to us in a week. A week came and went, and we hadn’t heard anything. Again, we tried getting a hold of her, but with no answer.

We didn’t know what to make of this. But my Aunt saw her at our county fair one night, so she asked her about it. It turned out that Abby was upset because she heard that I was spreading rumors about her being in rehab. That couldn’t be further from the truth, of course. I asked a few of her close friends and family if it was a possibility, but I could see how she’d be hurt by it. Because of this, she was ignoring all of my calls and texts about my wedding pictures.

I was angry. I figured, if she would have talked to us in the first place, we wouldn’t be in this mess. To this day, I am still having a hard time with it. She doesn’t want to have anything to do with me over a giant misunderstanding. I just wish she’d realize that I care more about her as a person than my wedding pictures.

It’s been difficult, but I’ve decided to stop trying to get a hold of her. If she decides to move on from this matter, she will. And there is nothing I can do about it if she decides not to.

Jesus tells us to forgive and never stop forgiving. That can be hard for us to do, but the times when it seems the toughest, that’s when it feels the most freeing to actually let go of what’s holding you back from moving on.

Tesia and I don’t have wedding pictures. The ones we do have are from our friends and family who’ve taken a few. But we realize that our relationship isn’t bound to photographs. We have something real between us, and even though pictures of the biggest event of our lives would be nice, they certainly aren’t everything.

This is a series. If you’ve missed any of them, click the links below!

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Part V

This was a really hard time in my life. One Thursday, I found out that I wasn’t going to be able to afford to go back to school the next year and I was really worried. Tesia and I talked about this and decided that we should just get married. We had been together long enough and it could give me the financial aid I would need to be able to go back.

That night, I went to my dad’s for my sister’s birthday party. Since it was a Thursday, Tesia had to be at the church she was interning for. She was supposed to be back at 9:30 to pick me up from my dad’s. It was a snowy night. The roads were pretty bad, so I was expecting her to be a little late. While there, I let my dad know our plan to marry. He let me know he was proud of me no matter what. He was excited about our decision.

9:30 came and went… then 10:00… then 10:30… soon, it was midnight and I was really worried that Tesia may have gotten in an accident. My dad’s wife let me borrow her SUV to try and find her. Only 2 minutes on the road, I saw Tesia driving past. I quickly turned around and went back to my dad’s where Tesia was waiting for me. She had a nervous look on her face.

“Where where you?” I asked.
“Yeah… sorry it took me so long to get back. I was talking to the Pastor’s wife about a lot of stuff.”
“Ok”

And I just left it at that… I knew she wasn’t telling me the full truth, but I was trying to be less smothering.

The next day, Tesia told me she had to leave for the night to have dinner with the pastor from the new church she was attending. This time, the roads were worse. I was worried for her, but she assured me she’d be fine. I called her shortly before she left to let her know that my internship for the next semester had fallen through and I didn’t know what to do. I was freaking out. She hesitated and replied, “Jimmy, God has amazing plans for you. No matter what happens, you will be fine. Never forget that. God has plans for you.” I didn’t realize what she was talking about at that time, but it had nothing to do with me losing my internship.

She went to the pastor’s house and she was gone all night. I saw that the pastor’s son had left a comment on her facebook wall. I didn’t know who he was at the time. As far as I was concerned, Tesia had never met him either. But then, the comment disappeared. I thought that was weird, so I logged on her facebook and looked through her messages (I know, I’m bad). I saw that she told him not to comment on her wall until everything was taken care of. Naturally, I flipped out. I wanted to wait for her to get back to Fort Wayne so I could talk to her about it. But it didn’t happen. Midnight came and went and she still hadn’t been back. She wasn’t answering her phone either. I was up till 6 in the morning, trying to get a hold of her. I called her friends. They admitted that they knew something, but wouldn’t let me know what was going on. Finally, Tesia called me and woke me up around 6:30am. She told me that I was freaking out over nothing (lies) and that she stayed in Rockford because the roads were too bad to drive home (more lies) and that everything is fine (even more lies).

“Well, what about the comment you deleted off your wall? What about the message you sent him?”
“I knew you’d freak out that I was talking to a guy, so I told him not to talk to me until he met you.” (Yes… another lie).
“Well, why didn’t you answer your phone?”
“It was dead.” (lie)
“What about what your friends told me?”
“They don’t know what they are talking about!” (lie)

I knew all of these were lies, but I wanted to believe her so bad. I gave in and apologized for the way I was acting.

She didn’t get back till Sunday. I hadn’t talked to her the entire weekend. I came back from work and checked my IM. She left me a bunch of comments, asking if I was around, saying that we needed to talk.

I knew this was the end.

Continue to Part VII

This is a series. If you’ve missed any of them, please click the links below.
Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV

Tesia and I fell in love quickly. We became that couple in the youth group that the Youth Leader tried (and failed) to split up. Looking back now, I can see why we kind of became a problem. We always had to be touching each other in some way and we didn’t like being apart from each other for even 10 minutes. We were extremely lustful. At the time, though, the idea of others trying to keep us away from each other annoyed us more than anything. Soon, however, that began to change.

I was a total slacker in high school. I was a punk. All I wanted was to be a teenager who did things teenagers do. I wanted to have fun with my life and I was in no mood to look for responsibility. Tesia, however, was kind of the opposite. Although she too was a punk, her parents were always pressuring her to do better and to be a better person. I’ve always had my dad’s support, but I was never pressured. Because of this pushing from her family and other adults in her life, Tesia had a sudden boost of mental maturity. I had a hard time keeping up with her. Needless to say, this caused friction in our relationship.

After about a year of dating, Tesia communicated the problem to me. I was unaware that a problem existed until she said something. She said that she was considering breaking up with me. I had a nervous breakdown. I thought everything was fine, so this seemed to come out of nowhere.

I immediately went to the guidance counselor to get it all off my chest. I didn’t know what I was thinking. I knew the solution she was going to give even before she spoke. Her reply to me was, “You need to let her do what she wants to do. You don’t run her life”. I knew this, but I didn’t understand… for an entire year, I let her run my life. Why wouldn’t I be running hers?

Despite this, Tesia and I made it through… for awhile anyway. About 8 months later, Tesia actually did break up with me. By this time, I was in college and she was still in high school. It was over the same typical stuff… namely, me refusing to grow up. I honestly don’t remember my reaction to this. All I know is that a couple weeks later, we were back together. When we got back together though, she wanted me to change some things… my style, my posture, my future… all of these, not because it made me a bad person, but because of my lack of self-confidence. She helped me through it all, of course. And it helped a lot.

It was like this for the next several years we were together. She’d leave me, then come back. Over and over and over and over. Might I add, that all those times she left me, not once did I go back to her. I waited for her to come back to me. She would often lead me on, and go back and pretend that she hadn’t done anything wrong. It was a constant back and forth that ate me up, but she was my best friend. I knew I always had to be there for her. All those times, she was glad I was.

Sometimes, she would leave me because she was tired of me… other times it was because she had a crush on someone else… once in a while, it was because of my lack of attention to her needs. This got me paranoid. I was always afraid she was planning to leave me or hurt me in some way. I never knew what to expect, so I became controlling. I would never tell her she couldn’t go anywhere or do anything, but I made it clear that I didn’t like it when she went somewhere or did something without me. I was definitely smothering her. She couldn’t be blamed though. This caused me to act like someone other than myself. My paranoia was normally accurate though, regardless of what Tesia felt about it.

March of 2008 was the last time she broke up with me. She had gotten an internship as a worship leader for a church. This meant she had to be gone on Thursday nights for practice, and some Sunday mornings. During this time, Tesia became close with the pastor’s wife who constantly talked about her son who was “a bisexual deist and into practicing magic and watching porn”. Tesia would come back from work and tell me about how this lady’s son was screwed up. I never really replied with much because all along, I knew the pastor’s wife’s intention- missionary dating.

Continue to Part VI.

One theory of grace is that it is expressed in three different ways: prevenient grace, justifying grace, and sanctifying grace.

Prevenient grace is God’s persistent love for human kind. Think of it as God’s wooing grace. This is the grace of God that we see and are attracted to. It’s by this grace, God reels us into a relationship with him. It catches our attention and causes us to be aware of God’s existence. It’s the idea that we are a terrible, fallen people… yet God still loves us anyway… for some reason…

Justifying grace is God’s saving grace. This is what makes us realize that we are sinners in need of repentance. Through this grace, we come to God on our knees, letting him know that we realize he is Lord, and we ask for a changed heart. Our response to this grace is confession and repentance from a lifetime of sin and darkness. This is the grace that washes us all clean of that.

Sanctifying grace is the grace of God working in us to make us more Christ-like as we’ve already given our lives to Jesus. Our reaction to this grace is more confession and repentance as we seek to live holy and perfect lives through the power of the Holy Spirit. Sanctification is God’s pruning in our lives: removing what’s dead, perfecting our path, and guiding us to bear more fruit.

This is all one grace expressed in three ways. It’s kind of a process. We start with the prevenient grace, which reels us in towards God. Through God’s justifying grace, we accept his Son’s sacrifice. Then we work towards sanctification, which is the process towards holiness. But God’s prevenient grace is always there…. ready to lure us back into a life with him if we so choose to wander.

God’s grace is a wonderful thing. Who can measure it? And with such a wonderful gift, why try to flee from it?

Here’s what my super group band would look like:

Dave Grohl- Lead Vocals, Rhythm guitar
Dave is one of the most talented musicians Rock n’ Roll has ever seen. I remember when I was first getting into the Foo Fighters, I asked my older brother, “Have you ever noticed that Dave Grohl looks a lot like the drummer from Nirvana?” His response: “You’re kidding, right?” Dave Grohl, singer, guitarist, bassist, and drummer. Is there anything he can’t do? Well… maybe know the lyrics to “Stairway to Heaven”

Hey, at least he knows the solo.

Speaking of the solo to “Stairway to Heaven”…

Jimmy Page- Lead Guitar
In my opinion, he’s the best guitarist alive. Listen to how the solo to “Stairway” should be.

Honestly… who’s better?

Flea- Bassist
He’s not the prettiest guy on stage, but he’s got character. He’s also flipping awesome with his bass. Check him out in this interview.

Neil Peart- Drummer
Neil Peart from “Rush” has to be one of the best drummer’s in the world. Isn’t that right Chester Cheetah?

But seriously, watch him in this video from Rush’s 30th anniversary concert.

I hope you watched the entire thing so you could witness his awesomeness on the drums.

So that’s my band. Dave Grohl, Jimmy Page, Flea, and Neil Peart. An honorable mention goes to Jim Adkins from Jimmy Eat World

He’d probably be the song writer.

Who’d be in your Super Group?

I think it’s absolutely amazing that you can find God in just about everything. His influence is so powerful, it can’t be escaped.

This is one of my favorite songs. It’s by Angels & Airwaves. I feel like part of Christ’s message can be found in this song.

Enjoy!

If I had my own world
I’d fill it with wealth and desire
A glorious past to admire
And voices of kids out walking dogs,
Birds, planes, cleanest cars

If I had my own world
I’d love it for all that’s inside it
There’d be no more wars, death or riots
There’d be no more police, packed-parking lots,
Guns, bombs sounding off

If I had my own world
I’d build you an empire
From here to the far lands
To spread love like violence

If I had my own world
I’d build you an empire
From here to the far lands
To spread love like violence

Let me feel you, carry you higher
Watch our words spread hope like fire
Secret crowds rise up and gather
Hear your voices sing back louder

If I had my own world
I’d show you the life that’s inside it
The way that it glows when you find it
The way it survives with its families,
Friends or its enemies

Let’s make this a new world
I swear you can go if you want to
I know that you have it within you
Inventing the first clean and usable,
God’s greatest miracle

If I had my own world
I’d build you an empire
From here to the far lands
To spread love like violence

If I had my own world
I’d build you an empire
From here to the far lands
To spread love like violence

Let me feel you, carry you higher
Watch our words spread hope like fire
Secret crowds rise up and gather
Hear your voices sing back louder

Let me feel you, carry you higher
Watch our words spread hope like fire
Secret crowds rise up and gather
Hear your voices sing back louder

Let me feel you, carry you higher
Watch our words spread hope like fire
Secret crowds rise up and gather
Hear your voices sing back louder

Let me feel you, carry you higher
Watch our words spread hope like fire
Secret crowds rise up and gather
Hear your voices sing back louder

When I was in kindergarten, I didn’t understand the whole “strangers” thing.

I remember coming home from school one morning after learning about saying “no” to strangers. When I got home, I went to the backyard to play. My house at that time, was right next to a “used car” dealership. As I was playing, I saw the man who owned the dealership come around the corner with two prospective buyers. I came up to our fence that separated my yard from the parking lot, I leaned up against it and started yelling “NO!”

I still remember the disconcerting looks on their faces.

No! No! No!

I yelled it repeatedly until my grandparents called me in to take my nap.

Later that night, my dad asked me what I did that day.

“I said ‘no’ to strangers!” I explained.

Needless to say, my dad was alarmed and asked me to tell him a little more. So I told him that I saw some strangers next door and I told them “no”.

It finally clicked in my dad’s head that I didn’t seem to understand what it meant to say “no” to strangers. He sat me down and we had a long conversation about what a stranger is, and how not all strangers are bad.

I think I finally got the hang of it . I still have trouble talking to strangers though.

Everyone has an opinion about something. A person can be dead set in his thinking and will not budge for any agreement whatsoever in discussions. I used to be like that. Now, I try to be polite while debating. Admittedly, I don’t always do so well, however, I am better than I used to be.

I have a hard time understanding why having the last word is so important to so many people. For me, it isn’t the issue that someone disagrees with my opinion on a subject that bothers me. It’s the idea that I want the person to at least understand and respect my point of view. That’s why I try so hard to get in the last word… In my head, I feel like if they can see from my perspective, the conversation will stop. Unfortunately, this is the internet… and everyone thinks they’re right, apparently.

The sad thing is, I talk about my views on religion and politics more than anything else- the two taboo topics that no one is supposed to speak about. But isn’t that what blogging is about, anymore? What’s even more sad is that I spend most of my time on Xanga arguing about my faith. I should probably stop arguing principles, ideals, and doctrine, and focus more on being the person God wants me to be.

Arguing on these topics is pointless. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and even though I may disagree with some, and others may disagree with me, we should all treat each other with the dignity Christ would use to treat us. The truth is, I don’t care if I’m wrong or right about anything. What do I really know anyway? I can only come up with the conclusions that make the most sense to me. Trial and error, trial and error, trial and error. It’s a good thing I’m not God…

As far as Christianity goes, there are a number of different denominations for a reason. There are so many ways to interpret scripture. A single interpretation would truly be the downfall of Christianity. I think this is the beauty of our faith. It has room for growth, diversity, and adaptation. That’s why we’ve adopted so much paganism into the Christian faith. It helped to get people in! It isn’t a bad thing at all- just a realization that all worship is intended for God.

In 1 Corinthians 3, we see Paul discussing the matter of Christians separating themselves into groups. He doesn’t condemn the separation itself, but the dissension between them. He said that these groups of Christians are still cared for by God, and they grow together beautifully. Paul speaks it profoundly: “We are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building.”

So, whether you are a pacifist, a soldier, a capitalist, a communist, a punk, a jock, a vegitarian, a carnivore, pre-trib, post-trib, or other, a man, a woman, a Baptist, a Methodist, a Catholic, or a Protestant, it doesn’t matter. If you are in Christ, God has plans to use you to His glory.

There is no need for the last word among Christians. Whether we agree or disagree, we are still on body. God dwells in us.

“All things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future—all are yours, and you are of Christ, and Christ is of God.” 1st Corinthians 3:21b-23

I haven’t always been. I used to be fairly optimistic. I remember when I had only been with my wife for about a year, (this was about 7 years ago, before we were married) she told me about how things would always turn out ‘ok’ for her whenever I would tell her that everything will be alright.

I don’t say that anymore… “Everything will be alright.” It’s a comforting phrase, isn’t it?

Things usually don’t end up working out for me the way I plan them to. Lately, I’ve been getting everything I could want. I’m married to the most beautiful girl I’ve known, I’m living comfortably, I’m going back to school in the fall… and I am thankful for all of this…. However, I’m waiting for something to knock me off my feet… because that’s the way things always end up happening to me. I’m being extra cautious and looking around every corner to see what will come at me to ruin all these plans that seem to be going right for me for once. It’s not that I believe something will happen. It’s just that it’s happened so much in my life, it’s all I’ve learned to expect. I used to learn from this. My bad experiences used to give me a more positive outlook on life. Now, I’m just tired of it.

Negativity can be wearing.

I’m a critic about everything. I pull everything apart, criticizing and saying what I think would make it better. Every meal I get, every movie I watch, every game I play, all the music I listen to, I can’t seem to enjoy without putting in my opinion… and normally my opinion is just a critique on how “it should be.”

I may be over-dramatizing this… but I’m really starting to notice all the negativity in my life, and I’m not sure where it stems from. I’m just happy I’m noticing it, though.

Generally, I’m a happy person. I’m just a critic and a worrier.

I’d like to be more adventurous. Not reckless per se, but daring enough to be a risk-taker. The problem is, I’m too comfortable with comfort.

*EDIT*
My wife just told me that I’m high-maintenance. Haha!

Convince my wife to blog more. t_sheffield

She’s so smart, yet she often keeps her much needed wisdom to herself. It isn’t fair.